You get a little too engrossed in a game, then suddenly notice that two weeks have passed, your eyes are crying tears of blood, and your rectum has prolapsed because you haven’t taken a break to go to the bathroom in eighteen days. Much like Counter-Strike: Global Offensive Guy’s regret over his microtransaction binging earlier, we all know this feeling. If you had Kanye West up there on stage, making jokes about how difficult it can be to keep your solid gold helicopter collection clean (oh wait, we do, it’s called rap), that wouldn’t be funny at all for us regular humans. This stuff is so popular, and so effective, mainly because it’s relatable. Please, if there's anything you value in life, don't buy this game."Ī lot of today’s comedians are completely reliant on observational humour and social satire. I thought becoming king would take a week or two of gaming sessions at most. I used to have house plants for god's sake! I used to cook for myself and clean my apartment once in a while.
I had friends and family, hobbies and interests. I've just been sitting here alone in my underwear in the dark. People make fun of MMO players because they spend so much time working for imaginary goals, but at least they're hanging out with friends and collaborating. Seriously, look how many hours I've played: Over a thousand. "DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES BUY THIS GAME. The game has a little more depth than that, but hell, points for succinctness. They reappeared with an edit after another half an hour’s play to assure us that, yes, The Witness is indeed Snake with good graphics. With a whole couple of minutes of play logged, this was his/her review. Still, though, props to this reviewer for giving The Witness a thorough playtesting before delivering his/her verdict. As we know, it’s impossible to please everyone, particularly when we’re talking about a group as volatile as gamers can be. When it finally arrived, though, it received critical acclaim. This first-person puzzler had been languishing in development hell since 2009 and had its release delayed a further three years in 2013. Thekla Inc’s The Witness was one of last year’s surprise sleeper hits. Same puzles with little non-interesting twists, same mechanic. 15 Rocket LeagueĮDIT: OK, I've played some more (half hour more) and the game keeps the same. It’s a real goldmine, as our collection of 15 Hilarious Steam Reviews That Make Absolutely No Sense will show. They’re such a hotbed of snarky piss-takery that they’ve had to add a ‘(insert number) people found this funny’ function to their review feedback. Steam user reviews are legendary for this. Others, meanwhile, are just having a laugh. Some people are trying to provide honest, in-depth accounts of their items, sure, but others are just bitching and leaving one-star product reviews because the UPS guy delivered their package damaged. If you wade knee-deep into the crap pool that is Amazon’s user reviews, say, you’ll have to take everything you read with a pinch of salt. Players’ own reviews are another matter entirely. Remember the whole 7/10 too much water controversy around Pokémon Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire? Madness. How many times have death threats and/or generations-long family curses been sent to reviewers who slagged off somebody’s favourite franchise? Too many, that’s how many. It’s a little frightening at times how much sway these sorts of things can have on us. Metacritic and the like are powerful tools indeed. Poor reviews can end careers, positive ones can pave the way for a multimillion-dollar franchise. They are then able to fire sweet, sweet, precious paragraphs of pure truth at us regarding the game in question. Video game journalists sit by their keyboards at night, trembling, as a great epiphany comes to them. A lot of the time, here in the gaming world, reviews are taken a little too seriously.
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